I've been sitting on something since last Tuesday, and now I think I'm ready to share. I wish it were amazing news, like I inherited a penthouse apartment from a generous stranger or my children's book has found a publisher, but instead, all I have to announce is:

I broke up with Cade.

To say this is "all I have to announce" is misleading. It's a huge life event, and I get choked up sometimes just thinking about it. Twice since, I've had blubbery breakdowns - both times in the bathtub. When I soaked, the quiet hit and hulking emotions swiftly assaulted me. The fact that I spent break-up week reading Kafka's The Trial couldn't have helped, either. That's like eating chili to stave off a stomach virus.

At times, I find myself thinking, "You did this. You wanted this. You chose this," and it's true, I'm the one who initiated our breakup. And when I watched Cade react, I was able to soothe him as much as circumstances allowed. It all hit me the next day, that this person I spent almost two years with could become a stranger.

I enjoyed so much: playing Scrabble, exploring places, snickering to R. Kelly songs, and so much more. I appreciate the little and big things, like his unusual name, his comically high-strung personality, his parents, and the idea of growing with him. Maybe not old, but growing. We're both goal-oriented people who want to see the other succeed. I'm sorry that things romance-wise have been derailed.

Cade still means a lot to me. Our current plan, I think, is to keep talking and seeing each other and see what happens. I'm not taking this to mean anything particularly optimistic. I'm a realist, after all. I know things may be temporarily and/or permanently messed up between us. I'm proud that we didn't end things yelling or saying anything we didn't mean. Perhaps that's a good sign? I certainly hope so.

If you know me or feel the need to comment on any of this in any way, please do not say anything negative about Cade or along the lines of, "I knew it wouldn't work..." or "I told you so..." Even "Well, you're so young..." I know I'm young, that Cade is young, and that there are lots of other people who could stomach us enough to call it like, infatuation, or love. Youth never stopped anyone from caring deeply for someone else. Heartbreak doesn't always accomplish the task, either.