My sister, Megan, and I are discussing our high school classmates. Turns out, almost everyone is married and/or has kids. Except us.

Megan: Even Crystal is engaged.

Me: Crystal?! No.

Megan: C'mon, Man, she's a catch.

Me: Yeah, like you'll catch something if you sleep with her.

Megan: [pretending to recite a wedding vow] "I promise to always share my topical ointments with you, as long as we both shall live."

Me: "With this genital wart, I thee wed."

Megan: No, no! "With this genital wart, I thee spread."

Me: Niiiice.