Have you seen those tests online that supposedly determine your RealAge? Yes, RealAge. It's one word, because that's what that accumulation of scars and wrinkles of yours is - another product to be peddled and bought.

I was curious, so I answered some questions about the amount of legal drugs I abuse, how often I eat paint chips, and if I go to the gym. That last one's the most daunting. It's just something I've never mustered up the discipline to commit to. Okay, I'll be honest, sincerely try to commit to. I am the kind of person who goes on health and wellness tangents, losing my momentum en route to the gym.

Still, I'm dismayed that my RealAge is supposedly 26.1. What?!

I'd understand if I were overweight, drove around a lot in Middle America, and operated a part-time meth lab. But I don't smoke; I cough dramatically and obnoxiously around people who do outdoors. I eat Kashi foods. I still shop in the juniors department, because the Misses clothes don't fit right! How am I 26.1?

The website has offered a few reasons:
Dog ownership
Medication use
Low vegetable intake
High red meat intake
Lack of daily breakfast
Blood pressure control

Clearly, there's a solution. I need my own English bulldog stat. Anyone want to donate to the cause?